Oppositely Bona fide

Brent is waiting for this moment to come. He is there with his headphone and coffee on his hand. Alone. Waiting for her to arrive. At some point, he doesn’t know how he would react from this sudden invitation. He felt half excited and nervous at the same time. This nervousness suddenly augmented as the girl walks towards him.  
“Hi,” she smiled as she uttered this word. She is wearing the same pretty smile as before. It really suits her that it makes his heart flutter… again. But he said to his self, no… he won’t ever be swayed by this. No more. Not anymore. He then returned the smile and said “Hello.”  
“So, hindi pa tayo puwedeng umupo?” she laughed then pointed the chair. That sounds of laughter felt like wanting him to go back from the past, where he and Anna were still fine. 
“So, what’s up?” Brent asked. 

“Still pretty. Nah, kidding. Actually, I’m not. Haha. Kidding again, I’m fine.” Brent can notice that her words aren’t parallel to what she feels. He really knew her. From the way she moves, she talks and act.  But rather than questioning her about that bogus smile, he just let her fake it. 

“Okay. So, bakit tayo andito?”  

“None. I just remembered what you said after our closure. You know, that “talk”– he cut her off.

“Yah, I know. Can we now order?” 

“Yes. Of course,” she replied. 
All throughout their conversation, he felt a little bit awkward knowing it was her. Oftentimes he stammered. Until then, they’ve come to the point of asking how’s their status is. 
“Gosh, ang dami ko nang sinabi. Ikaw naman mag-share!” Anna pleaded. 

“Haha. Ano namang sasabihin ko?” Brent replied back as he comb his finger through his hair. 

“Kahit ano. Oh, how about you? Your love life? How was it? Is she pretty like me? Oops, don’t tell me she’s not.” She asked haphazardly. But he couldn’t answer any. He was preoccupied by the thoughts of the past. 

“Hey!” Anna startled him to get back from his senses. 

“Yes sure. She is. Honestly, I love the way how she made me smile as she smile. I have love everything about her. But unfortunately, it was all in the past. She’s now only part of the past.” He said those words straightly looking at her with no eyelids shutting and no winking of the eyes. 

“So sad. Maybe we should toss for it. You and I for feeling this heartbreak.” she lifted the glass of tea and tossed it to his. 

“Why? Break-up?” 

“No. Kami PA. Yes, emphasizing the word pa ’cause I love him so much that I don’t want us to split though we are currently facing this lovers quarrel. Natural naman ‘to. I know a little later, magkakaayos din kami.” 
Brent didn’t get off his gaze towards her as she was smiling while she was talking. But as soon as she starts telling what she feels, it started to pierced his heart and that hole that was there also started to widened. However, he don’t want her to notice it. He needs to daubed it to feel no pain. He answered her with his false and artificial smile 
“You must be pretty in love with him, aren’t you? I’m happy that you have found someone that truly made and is making you happy.”
“Thank you Brent. Sana, mahanap mo na din yong taong mamahalin at magmamahal sayo. Don’t worry, ipagpi-pray ko  yong babae na nanakit sayo na sana makarma siy–” 
“Don’t, just… let her be happy. It wasn’t me that could make her feel that way and there’s nothing I can do about that. And I know by now. She is happy. So I must, let her be.” He said those words veraciously. 
“Oh no, malilate na yata ako! Sensya Brent ha, kailangan ko na yatang umalis. He must be waiting by now. Baka lumala away namin. I hope we could meet again. Bye!” She then gave her smile and wave for a goodbye. 
Brent returned the smile. The smile that wouldn’t give her any hint that he misses her, that he still longed for her… so much.

Sa Wakas Tapos Na

Kaya’t huwag kang mag-alala
Ngayon nga’y masasabi ko nang
  “Sa Wakas Tapos Na.”

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan ang lahat

Dapat ba ‘kong magsimula sa kung paanong ang lahat ay nagsimula o

sa kung paanong ang lahat ay nagtapos?

Katulad ngayon, masyadong magulo

Masakit

Pero ganon talaga, kahit masakit kailangan kong magsimula


Sa bawat galaw ko, naaalala kita

Naaalala ko ang mga panahong

Hahawakan mo ang kamay ko at hahawakan ko din ang iyo

Naaalala ko ang panahong habang natutulog ka ay hinahawi ko ang mga buhok mo

Naaalala ko pa ang mga panahong sinasabi mo sa akin na

“Ingat ka” “Naghapunan ka na?”

“Huwag kang magpapalipas ng gutom ha” “Mahal kita”


Naaalala ko lahat

Sa kung paano tayo nagsimula at sa kung paanong ang lahat ay nagtapos

Naaalala ko pa nang tinanong mo ako kung

“Masaya pa ba ako?”

Siyempre ang sagot ko Oo

Oo kahit hindi

Masaya kahit hindi

Bigla mong sinabi sa’kin,

“Sabihin mo lang, kasi kung hindi ka na masaya

puwede naman nating itigil na”


Tss, Magulo

Hindi ko alam kung sinasabi mo ba ang mga salitang iyan

Dahil ayaw mo akong nahihirapan,

O sinasabi mo lang yan kasi gusto mong itigil na lang?

Nararamdaman kong nagbabago na ang lahat

Sa kung paanong ang mga ngiti mo’y nawawalan na ng timpla

Ang mga paghawak mo na nagpapahiwatig na bumitaw na

At ang mga titig mo na nawawalan na ng gana


Walang araw na lumilipas na hindi umiiyak ang langit sa gabi

Walang araw na lumilipas na walang unan ang nababasa

Kawawa ang mga ito

Nasasakal sila sa higpit ng yakap ko

Naririndi sila sa mga salitang ibinubulong ko

Alam ko pagod na sila sa paulit-ulit na istorya ko

Pero hindi nila alam, pagod na rin ako


Pagod na akong umiyak sa gabi

Pagod na akong tanging unan lang ang nakakarinig ng lahat ng hinanakit ko

Pagod na’kong magsalita

Pagod na akong mapagod


Gusto ko sanang sabihin sayo na nasasaktan na ako

Na napapagod na ako

Na hindi na ako masaya

Pero ayokong sabihin sayo lahat ng ‘yon kasi natatakot ako

Natatakot ako na baka sabihin mo sa’king

“Itigil na natin ‘to”

Kasi ayoko, hindi ko kaya

Ayoko kasi hindi ko alam kung kaya ko


Matagal na tayong nagkasama

Matagal na din akong nagtitiis

Matagal na

Pero hindi ko kayang tapusin na lang ang lahat

Katulad ng tulang ito,

Bawat katapusan ng salita’y dapat ko ng tuldukan

Pero hindi ko magawa

Kasi hindi ko kayang tapusin na lang ang lahat


Ngunit masyado mo akong pinapahanga

Hindi ko alam kung paano ka nakakatulog ng mahimbing habang ako

Andito, nagtitiis at iniinda ang sakit

Hindi ko alam kung paano mo ako nagagawang paglaruan ng paulit-ulit

Mawawala ka at muling babalik

Magpaparamdam at muling aalis

Humahanga ako sa kung paano mo nagagawang

Tapak-tapakan ang sugat na dulot mo

Masyado ng malalim ang mga ito

Na kahit ilang tela ang itapal ko

Patuloy itong magdurugo


Gusto ko ng lumaya

Gusto-ko-ng-lumaya

Kailan ako lalaya?

Pero masyado mo talaga akong pinapahanga

Ganito mo ba ako kamahal para agad akong pagbigyan?


Andiyan ka kasama mo siya

Andito ako ngayon mag-isa

Ang pait ng tadhana

Kung sino pa ang tapat magmamahal

Siya pa ang naiiwan


Kailangan ko na ulit yatang magsimula sa simula

Masyado na rin kasing mahaba itong ginagawa kong tula

At sa panibagong papel na susulatan ko

Hindi na mauubos ang tinta ng dahil lang sayo


Ngayon nga’y magsisimula ako

Magliliwanag na ang langit sa gabi

Hindi na mababasa ang unan sa mga luha

Hindi na sila masasakal

Hindi na rin sila maririndi


Magsisimula ako at tutuldukan na ito

Sabagay ito na rin ang huling pahina

Kaya’t huwag kang mag-alala

Ngayon nga’y masasabi ko nang

  “Sa Wakas Tapos Na.”

If I Were You

She is charming. She’s amazing. She may not be beautiful but she’s pretty. She may not be that perfect but she’s kinda perfect on her own way of imperfections.

There’s more to her and how come you haven’t seen it?

If I were you, I would buy her tons of flowers on every occasion.

I know that even a stick of red rose or a three red plastic flowers, she would appreciate it.

If I were you, I would give her a present on our very special day. A necklace or a bracelet will do.

I know that she will wear that in every single day ’cause for sure she’s proud of having you.

But If I don’t really have money to buy her fancy things, I won’t buy her any.

I know she would understand it.

If I were you, I would send her morning texts and remind her not to skip any meals.

I know she would love it. It will reminds her she’s second to God you thought when you wake up in the morning.

If I am busy, I won’t forget to text her that I am busy. I won’t make her wait and won’t leave her wondering what I am doing.

If I were you, I would hold her hand so tight while we were walking just to remind her that I am proud of having her.

If I were you, I would give my jacket just to to remind her not to wear shorts and any revealing dress in public.

That would make her feel that I care for her. I won’t tolerate her to wear make ups and say “You’re more beautiful just being you.”

And If by chance we’ve got to bid for goodbye, I would kiss her on the forehead and walk her homeward just to ensure she will come home safe and sound.

If I were you, I would cherish every single moment we’re together and love her like it’s the last.

If I were you, that’s what I’m gonna do.

And If you were me, you would not be this miserable regretting of losing her.

Second Best

For those people who were always been treated only as a second best, come out.

If you feel like you have given so much of yourself yet it’s not enough, give up.

He is not your world, you have to live on your own.

Live the life you always wanted to be.

Isn’t it you want to be treated as a princess?

Isn’t it you want to feel love and be loved?

Isn’t it you dreamed of living a happy life?

Then why suffer?

Just give up.

You don’t deserve to be just an option.

You deserve to be appreciated.

You deserve to be love back in return.

You have the right to choose.

And please, just choose the right choice.

Magpatuloy Ako

“Sa katawan ng tao, ako yong talampakan. Kahit anong pilit kong umitaas, sa baba pa din ako babagsak.”

Nakakapagod na.

Minsan, hindi ko na alam kung anong dapat kong gawin. 

Bakit kailangan ko ‘tong maranasan? 

Bakit kailangan ko ‘tong maramdaman? 

Napapagod na ako. Sobra. Pero kailangan kong magpatuloy. Maraming mga tao ang nagtitiwala sa kakayahan ko kahit na hindi ko alam kung meron ako. 

Simula nang araw na pinasok ko ang magulong mundong ito, nanghina ako. Talagang dapat mong isipin ang kung anong maaaring resulta ng bawat galaw mo. Akala ko ang paglayo sa dating lugar na kinatatakutan ko ang makakatulong sa’kin para matapos na ang gulo. Pero mali. Dahil simula nang tumapak ako sa bagong lugar na kinatatayuan ko ngayon, saka ko napagtanto na sa kagustuhan kong makaiwas sa anumang puwedeng mangyari sa dating lugar, ay siya ring simula ng panibagong pasan. Mas mabigat siya kumpara sa dati kong dala sa likod maging sa dibdib. Halos araw-araw, kailangan kong kumilos na para bang walang nangyayari at ipagsigawan sa lahat na ayos lang ako “AYOS NA AYOS LANG AKO!” Ayos lang ang mga lumilipas na araw. 

Kailangan kong huwag pansinin ang kahit na anong pagtrato sa akin ng mga taong nasa palibot ko, dito sa bagong lugar na pinuntahan ko. Ang hirap makipagkapwa-tao sa mga taong hindi ka man lang mabigyan ng respeto. Pati na ang mga taong inaasahang dapat na nagtuturo ng tama, sila pa ang nagpaparamdam sayo na hindi ka karapat-dapat sa lugar na nilipatan mo. 

Araw-araw, kailangan kong maging masaya na para bang wala lang nangyayari. Kailangan kong hayaan ang bawat nanlilisik na mata na nakatingin sa akin, ang mata na pilit na pinapaintindi sa akin na wala akong lugar sa kanila. Kumbaga, sa katawan ng tao, ako yong talampakan. Kahit anong pilit kong umitaas, sa baba pa din ako babagsak.

Napapagod na ako, sobra. Pero hindi ako makaimik kasi alam ko na ako din naman ang masisira. Kaya kailangan kong magpatuloy.

Side by Side

SIDE BY SIDE

Usapan ng dating magkasintahan na pinipilit  na magkaayos pero deep in their heart, there’s a lil’ bit of awkwardness.

Boy: Hi

Girl: Hello

Boy: Chitchat?

Girl: Okay. Topic?

Boy: Kayo bang mga babae, pano niyo masasabing siya na yong lalaking mamahalin niyo?

Girl: I don’t know. What about you boys?

Boy: Kapag nararamdaman namin na siya na talaga. Hindi ko rin kayang ipaliwanag eh. Haha.

Girl: Ganon ba? Ang swerte niyong mga lalaki kasi kung gusto niyo ang isang tao, kayang-kaya niyo itong lapitan. Kaya niyong makuha ang oo niya, samantalang kaming mga babae maghihintay lang.

Boy: Yes. We can say that. But not all. May mga lalaki pa rin kasing torpe.

Girl: Oh yes. Natatawa nga ako on the fact na kapag torpe ang isang tao aasarin ito ng mga kaibigan niya at idi-dare kahit naman yong nagdi-dare eh torpe din.

Boy: Hahaha. Ganun talaga kami.

Girl: Kami namang mga babae, kapag gusto namin ang isang tao magkukunwaring makikipagkaibigan. Makikipagclose. Kaechosan di ba? 

Boy: Ewan. Haha. Alam mo, kapag nagseselos kaming mga lalaki para bang gusto naming manuntok. Nakakapanggigil.

Girl: Kami naman, ipagtutulakan pa namin niyan sainyo kahit sa loob-loob namin gusto na naming isumpa ang pinagseselosan namin.

Boy: Alam mo, ang laki ng pinagbago mo.

Girl: …

Boy: Sige, topic na nga lang ulit. Ano ba puwede?

Girl: Tanong ko lang, bakit ganyan kayong mga lalaki? Bakit hindi niyo kayang magpakatotoo? Para bang puro kayo mga pambobola.

Boy: Huwag mo namang lahatin, may mga lalaki pa ring kayang magpakatotoo. 

Girl: Talaga? Sino-sino ba yan? Haha.

Boy: Ako siguro.

Girl: Wala pa akong nakikilalang lalaki na nagpakatotoo. Siguro lahat na talaga kayo ganyan no?

Boy: Hindi rin.

Girl: Sa tingin ko oo. Ang dami ko ngang kilala na manloloko. Ang hilig hilig niyong

makipaglandian. 

Boy: Alam mo, yan ang problema sainyong mga babae, ang bilis niyong manghinala. Ang bilis niyong magduda. Konti-konti lang na mga sabi-sabi ng iba, maniniwala na kayo. Bakit di niyo muna alamin yong totoo?

Girl: Hahaha. Yong totoo? Bakit may dapat pa bang alamin? Nararamdaman namin kung may mga kalokohang nangyayari sainyo! Huwag niyo kaming gawing tanga.

Boy: You always double the meaning kasi na kahit hindi naman talaga ganon intensiyon namin binibigyan niyo ng ibang kahulugan.

Girl: We are just overanalyzing what you boys are doing! 

Boy: Nagmahal pa kayo kung hindi niyo naman kayang magtiwala.

Girl: Nagmahal pa kayo kung maglalandi lang din naman kayo. Kahit minsan, maging stick to one naman kayo.

Boy: We are doing. Magtiwala naman kayo.

Girl: Tiwala ba kamo? Yan ang pinakaunang bagay na ibinibigay namin sainyo pero ano? Nagagawa niyo pa rin ‘tong sirain.

Boy: Meron tayong tinatawag na second chance! Huwag niyo namang ipagkait. Hindi lahat ng inaakala niyong lalaki ay ganon! May nagbabago at may pinipilit na magbago! Kailan ba kayo maniniwala samin?

Girl: Langyang second chance yan! Sa tingin ko higit pa sa second ang naibibigay namin sainyo! Nawawalan na ng meaning yang sorry niyo.

Boy: Okay. Kung hindi niyo kayang ibigay, please naman. Kung makikipagbreak kayo, huwag niyo kaming sisihin kung bakit kayo umiiyak. Ang dami-daming mga kaek-ekang patama ang sinasabi niyo samin eh!

Girl: Bakit natatamaan kayo?

Boy: Oo, nasaktan namin kayo. Aaminin namin yon pero sobra sobra na yata yang mga salitang tinatapon niyo! Yong kahit hindi na namin ginawa, nagmumukhang yon nga ang ginawa namin kasi sinong paniniwalaan ng mga tao? Siyempre kayo! 

Girl: Nasasaktan kami sana alam niyo yon. 

Boy: Ayan. Minsan hindi namin kayo maintindihan sa pabago-bago niyo ng mood. Real quick eh no? Yong kani-kanina lang para kayong linta kung makadikit tapos maya-maya di na namamansin! Ano bang sumasapi sainyo at ganyan ugali niyo?

Girl: Ganon? Ang ibig sabihin non makiramdam naman kayo! Ayaw naming sabihin kasi ayaw naming masira relasyon nato. Nagtatampo kami. Nasasaktan kami! I hope you know that!

Boy: Pano namin malalaman kung hindi niyo sinasabi? Hindi naman kami manghuhula para malaman kung anuman yang ikinagagalit niyo! Sabihin niyo hindi yong ganito!

Girl: Ayaw naming malaman niyo kasi gusto naming maging aware kayo sa kung anong ginagawa niyo!

Boy: That is why people called it relationship! Para makita kung ano ang mali ng bawat isa at sabay yong itatama. Pero anong ginagawa niyo? You’re so good at hiding your feelings.

Girl: And you boys are so good at faking feelings!

Boy: Akala niyo ba hindi kami nasasaktan? Nasasaktan din kami every time we see those smiles of yours after a few days of our break-up. Laging pumapasok sa utak namin ang mga tanong na “Okay na kaya siya?” “Siguro nakahanap na siya ng iba?” “Ako pa kaya mahal niya?” “Pano kung balikan ko kaya siya?”

Girl: Takte naman oh! You said it yourself! We are good at hiding our feelings na kahit nasasaktan na kami kaya naming itago yon! Kahit masakit na masakit na! We will do it just to show you that we are strong! That we are not the person whom you thought will chase you after you guys betrayed and toy us! At saka tigilan niyo kami ng mga kasinungalingan niyo, kung gusto niyo kaming balikan bakit di niyo ginagawa?

Boy: Dahil hindi lahat ng lalaki tulad ng inaakala niyong manloloko. We are afraid that we might hurt you again. At ayon ang ayaw na naming mangyari.

Girl: Bakit sa tingin niyo ba hindi kami nasasaktan sa pagbitiw niyo? Takte, sobrang sakit. Hindi naman kasi kami katulad niyong mga lalaki na dadaanin lang sa pag-inom ang lahat pagkatapos tapos na. Sana. Sana magawa namin yon.

Boy: Bakit? Akala niyo ba hanggang ganon lang yon? Nasasaktan din kami. Doble pa sa sakit na nararamdaman niyo. Dagdag mo pa lahat ng pasa at alak na naiinom namin.

Girl: We are hurting both physically and emotionally just so you know.

Boy: WE ARE AWARE OF THAT MERE FACT! Kaya nga doble pa sa sakit na nararamdaman niyo ang nararamdaman namin kasi ang hirap umiyak na hindi ipinapaalam sa ibang tao! Gustuhin man naming magpakawala ng balde-baldeng luha hindi namin magawa kasi iba ang impresyon ng mga tao saming mga lalaki! Doble ang sakit na nararamdaman namin cause son of a bitch! We were aware that we are hurting the one we loved so much. Pasensya kung nasasaktan namin kayo. If only you know, it hurts me to see you hurting because of a stupid guy like me. It kills me. 

Girl: (naiiyak) Hindi ko alam na sobra kang nasasaktan. Na sinasaktan din kita. Hindi ko alam. And I am so sorry for that.

Boy: You don’t need to say sorry, I should be the one asking that on you. I’m sorry. I deserved this. Maybe “karma” is hitting me hardly now.

Girl: (still crying)

Boy: Sorry if I made you suffer like this. Sorry for all the pain and the scars I left you. I’m sorry because you spent all the night crying on your bed hugging your pillow. I am supposed to be the one comforting you but how could I when all I do is to make you wonder why I keep on hurting you. I am sorry for stealing all the moments that you should be spending with the people who truly love and cherish you, not on me. 

Girl: Why are you doing this to me? It hurts me even more knowing you are sorry.

Boy: (Smile) Thank you for loving this imprudent guy. I am blessed that I still had given the chance to meet a girl like you. From now on, you don’t need to stay awake late at night thinking about me. You don’t need to be chocked up. You are free now, breathe. Come out and find someone who will appreciate your worth and will love you unconditionally. You deserve to be happy. Maybe, this is really now the goodbye. Thank you Mia, I loved and love you. I hope you know it. Take care and goodbye.